Howz Tat? A deep dive into the SUFC club shop
The Pinch surfs the Sheffield United online store to help you find your next SUFC trinket
I’ve never particularly been one for pre-match traditions. I don’t have a favourite place to eat or go-to pub; there’s no specific playlist blasting in my ears as I continue to kid myself about the upcoming score; and I certainly don’t feel the need to visit the club shop before taking my seat for the sporting dark comedy about to unfold. I will, however, make sure to wear one United-branded/adjacent item for each visit to Bramall Lane. It’s my slice of modest partisanship, even if it’s simply a pair of retro socks (retro by design, not by unwashed status).
I do sometimes find myself with fifteen minutes spare before the match, though, wandering into the shop to see which era of away shirt United’s in-house designers have jumped on next. It’s also an opportunity to take a glance at the latest trinkets designed to part us with our impulsive cash, to help the owner afford a second-choice player from a mid-Championship side.
It’s a treasure trove of tat. From gnomes to buggies, pyjamas to egg cups, if a product has ever been a Christmas stocking filler, the Blades have slapped a crest on it. To save you the hassle, I’ve trawled the United online store to find the very best examples of this specific type of gift. In order to judge each product, The Pinch has employed the nation’s top scientists to engineer The Tat-ometer, a not-at-all-subjective rating based on the enigmatic tat-factor. The lower the Tat-ometer reading, the less likely you’d see the product strategically placed in the impulse buy bins near a TK Maxx checkout. Here are our findings, in tat ascending order.
Crest stress ball
Despite what you might be thinking, the United-branded stress ball is not tat at all, and should be sent out each year with season tickets.
Price: £4.50
Tat-ometer reading: 1/10
‘Building Block’ Bramall Lane model
As club shop novelties go, this is a solid effort. Lego is great, and although this isn’t an official link-up with the Danish block maestros, I bet it still clicks in nicely. I would be pleased with this on Christmas morning. I’m 31.
Price: £30
Tat-ometer reading: 2/10
SUFC ice scraper
Tat can have its uses. An ice scraper is an important tool to have in your boot: why not pledge your allegiance to United while you etch away at your windscreen? If it’s of decent quality, then count me in – if only to prove I’m not a fair-weather fan (sorry).
Price: £5
Tat-ometer reading: 4/10
Sherpa retro hot water bottle cover
After all that scraping, you must be tired. A hot water bottle awash with memories of Brian Deane is enough to warm the coldest of hearts.
Price: £15
Tat-ometer reading: 5/10
Blades remote control buggy
There was a disconcerting (if tongue-in-cheek) commercial push behind the United buggies, with players employed to extol the virtues of the quality vehicle that offers great control, stability and consistency in the most trying situations. They then stopped talking about Chris Basham and advertised the buggy.
Price: £17.50 (down from £25)
Tat-ometer reading: 6/10
Chip Butty socks
I don’t really need to say much about this, do I? A future classic of the stocking filler genre. No notes.
Price: £5
Tat-ometer reading: 7/10
Sheffield United ‘speed cube’
Rubik? We don’t know who that is. United’s ‘speed cube’ looks nice but extremely confusing. I’d like to see those Rubik’s cube block colour genius nerds try this version.
Price: £10
Tat-ometer reading: 7.5/10
Crest egg cups
You know the tune:
“How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
“I like mine with a reminder that my football team has managed to gather 9 points from a possible 60.”
Price: £10
Tat-ometer reading: 8/10
Dog jersey
If I saw a dog wearing a United jersey, I’d ring the RSPCA. We might think it’s fun, and dogs need to stay warm on winter walks, but no beloved pet deserves this.
Price: £20 (down from £35)
Tat-ometer reading: 8/10
Bat and ball set
Another classic of the genre. I can already see myself on the beach, bat in hand, unsuccessfully trying to find a ball that’s either way too light so has drifted in the wind, or way too heavy so my batting partner has thwacked it among a throng of sun-basking onlookers. At least they’ll know the city is ours.
Price: £12
Tat-ometer reading: 9/10
“We Are Premier League” fruit drops
I was very close to giving top spot to the fruit drops. They have everything you want from next-to-checkout tat: cheap enough that your impulses get the better of you; a sweet that nobody really likes (admit it); and an immediately out-of-date image on the tin. If only Hecky’s tenure at the club had ended as sweetly.
Price: £2.50
Tat-ometer reading: 9.5/10
Gold football gnome
There was never any doubt in my mind. This is magnificent. It’s the Andy Dufresne of tat: it’s crawled through a river of naffness and come out clean the other side. Gold is an apt colour. The Alan Cork tribute gnome is undoubtedly top of the podium, and you know what? I’m tempted.
Price: £25
Tat-ometer reading: 10/10
Oh thank you David – what a wonderful laugh-out-loud article!
“…if a product has ever been a Christmas stocking filler, the Blades have slapped a crest on it.” Aye, cue the ice scraper!! And egg cups? Really??
“…the United-branded stress ball is not tat at all, and should be sent out each year with season tickets.” Hahaha, too true!
They should have used that Gnome in “The Full Monty” instead of the one that looked like Mark Addy!!
Excellent review of ‘stuff’. (All I have is a lapel badge, honest!)
Sue.
This had me shaking with laughter in the chemist's this morning.