WARNING: there is no way of writing this article without recourse to a charged battery of Warnockian curse-words. For those with a gentler disposition: you can F*** Off (…now that’s the only one that’s asterisked).
Words: Sam Parry
Throughout the 2004/5 campaign in the Coca-Cola Championship, television cameras followed Sheffield United on a journey that ended in eighth place and the familiar annual frustration. An edited portion of the resulting footage was broadcast as a single-episode, fly-on-the-wall documentary called WARNOCK. Of course it was, he had to be centre of attention.
Neil Warnock divided fans, an irony that is surely not lost on Unitedites. But whatever your view on the bloke, WARNOCK is roaring good fun. It’s a pocket of escapism in mediocre times. Refuge from Robson. Asylum from Adkins. A Narnia-type closet through which to escape Clough’s cantankerous claptrap. To be placed in this timeless world of unending rants is, as Kate Bush put it, to be Suspended in Gaffer. Give it a name: cultural ambrosia.
WARNOCK runs for forty-seven minutes (the documentary, not the man), replete with idioms and phrases which, for good or ill, have been soaked into the magic sponge of Blades nomenclature. Once seen, it cannot be forgotten and it demands to be replayed. And so, when I heard Neil was packing in the day job, the news prompted me to relive the whole thing for the hundredth time.
As the hero of the piece, Warnock himself is an unforgettable protagonist in a very forgettable season; take his infamous reaction to Millwall midfielder Kevin Muscat. It was a Tuesday night. Muscat had headbutted Paddy Kenny in the tunnel at half time. Upon the final whistle, after a 3-2 Blades victory, Warnock made a point of shaking every one of Millwall’s players as they departed the field. Telling them: “Serves you right for fucking Muscat that.”
What a character. What a hero. What a man.
The more I (re)watched, the more I thought “where’s the rest of it?”. A whole season condensed into forty-seven minutes. There must be more golden moments lurking on the stocks of some sports production company, surely? For there are so many moments. And unlike Phil Jagielka’s hair at the time, my personal highlights from WARNOCK are not bleached-blonde. Instead, they are in no particular order:
(1) “That’s a load of bollocks. You’ve got to fucking die to get three points.”
(2) Warnock versus Leeds fans
(3) And, “I want to beat Plymouth so fucking much.”
If WARNOCK is something of a pantomime (oh no it isn’t) then linesmen are the villain’s sidekick of the piece (oh yes they fucking are). And throughout, Mr Warnock shares his views on these flag-wavers clearly, concisely and without ambiguity:
“Facking hell lino.”
“Lino! He’s kicked the fucking ball out man.”
“When you get the chance lino, can you try and show me you’re not biased all the time will you?”
“Shawy [Paul Shaw], go and warm up down there and tell him [the linesman] he should be fucking flagging for that.”
“Joe [Royle, Ipswich manager] – tha mek my day complaining about him [the linesman]. Facking hell Joe, come on. He’s been your best fucking player.”
All of these were taken from the same game, a home match against Ipswich Town. These rants tell us much about the expletive punctuation of Neil Warnock’s spoken grammar. They do not, however, tell us anything at all about what Neil Warnock said to his players at half time and the success thereof. And as I said earlier, I was sure there must be more…
EXCLUSIVE: Ipswich half time rant
After contacting the producers of WARNOCK, The Pinch can exclusively reveal a bizarre half-time rant originally cut from the documentary. We have tracked down never-seen-before footage taken during the aforementioned Ipswich match, and although we were not allowed to publish video evidence, we were allowed to transcribe the audio for your reading pleasure.
Half time: United 0-1 Town
[Indecipherable shouting/arguing among players in the dressing room]
Neil Warnock:
Shut up now lads. Shut up.
Calm down.
Well it were facking brilliant that weren’t it?
Bloody fan-dabi-dozi eh?
[Warnock swigs from water bottle]
What do I always say? I always tell to you leave it all out there, dunt I?
And what have you left?
Nowt as far as I can tell.
Where’s your energy? Eh?
Look at Cads, he hasn’t even worked up a sweat.
Fancy doing some press ups son?
Danny Cadamarteri:
No gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Are you going to run around for me int second half?
Danny Cadamarteri:
Yes gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Yes gaffer, that’s right.
What about you Del?
Are you gonna start showing your man downt line or are you going to keep asking him for his phone number?
Derek Geary:
Yes gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
He dunt want your phone number, does he?
He’s run away from you that many times int first half, and you’ve just fucking left him.
Soft as shit.
I want him to be sick of the bloody sight of you int second half, alright?
Derek Geary:
Yes gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
[Deep inhale, then silence - 4 seconds]
How can we be only 1-0 down, eh?
Christ. We shouldn’t have a chance.
But we do to be fair, don’t we lads?
Don’t we?!
Collective:
Yes gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Do you know what it reminds me of, this match?
It’s like that Water World at Disney.
In Florida. Have you been?
Kids love it there.
Typhoon Lagoon at Water World in Disney.
They fucking love it.
Typhoon Lagoon. Used to take them there every couple of years.
You have to walk up about twenty flights of stairs to get to the top of it.
Fucking massive it is.
I’ve walked our youngest to the top of the stairs and then there’s a lady sat there, and she gives you the green light to go down.
Now I didn’t want to go down, but I had to.
You’re not allowed to walk back down the stairs, yer see.
So I’ve chucked myself down this chute on me arse, and it starts off dead slow.
And I’m thinking, I’m hundred feet int air here, how can I be going so bloody slowly?
And this slide sends you on a spiral for about three minutes.
Round and round and round for facking ages, and you’re thinking to yourself, is this it?
But you get to halfway, and the bastard teks you by surprise and suddenly drops you like a stone downt bottom in about two seconds flat.
Straight into the water. I’m not kidding. I nearly drowned.
You feel like your balls have caught in your throat. Terrifying.
That’s what I want from you int second half.
Surprise me.
Show me that I’m not just talking to a fucking brick wall.
Surprise fucking them too.
Stop going round and round in circles and get a bit more fucking direct.
Get into the fuckers.
Surprise em. Yeah?
Collective:
YES GAFFER.
Neil Warnock:
Like Typhoon fucking Lagoon.
Tongey, are you laughing?
Michael Tonge:
No gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Well don’t lie to me fucking face son.
Michael Tonge:
Sorry gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Aye you will be sorry when I ship you out son.
I’ll tell you now, there’s been some enquires about you already, loads of interest fromt Scottish first division.
And you know what? I’ve told em you’re a home bird. Settled here. Can’t let you go. But I can soon change all that.
You know what, I think it’d be a lovely move for you that, actually.
Scottish Highlands. All that green open space, you might even bother to run around up there.
Shall I call em back? Tell em you fancy it?
Michael Tonge:
No gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
You’d rather stay here wouldn’t yer?
Michael Tonge:
Yes gaffer.
Neil Warnock:
Aye, I thought so. Now rather than sitting there giggling, I want you to shut up, get out there and run yer fucking bollocks off, alright?
That goes for the lot of yer.
Now get fucking out there and go and fucking surprise everyone.
Full time result:
United 0-2 Town (Unsworth, 20; Kuqi, 61)
Editor’s note:
We asked Neil to comment on the discovery of this hitherto unseen transcript, but he declined beyond a polite and sincere: “You’ve just fucking made that up.” And in fairness to Neil, we couldn’t argue with that.
Sam Parry is the co-founder of DEM Blades fanzine and Commissioning Editor of The Pinch. Inside work he writes speeches, and outside of work, he wonders whether he’s ever eaten a truly greasy chip butty.