London Away: tales from the local away day

Working backwards from Brentford to Spurs, our editor recalls non-footballing events from every London away day.

Sam Parry

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness…

Those are the opening words of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. They are a little less concise than his single-word overture to Bleak House: “LONDON.”

Like Dickens — well, sort of — the capital and its satellites are the pivot around which this narrative swings. As fans, we have experienced a “season of Darkness”, but how about a little light?

London Away

If we had failed in our promotion attempt last season, fate would have cruelly deprived me of London Away days save for Millwall, QPR and — if we must — Watford. Thankfully, Sheffield United have played against 10 different London-ish teams this season, nine in the league and one in the cup. And the top-flight’s London Weighting has been, for me at least, the greatest advantage within a season of gloom because I live not far from Mandela House, the fictional flat of Fools and Horses fame. This makes every home game like an away game, and every London Away game like a home game.

Having travelled (not far) to all ten Home-Away-London games, I thought it might be nice to document in one place some of the experiential and/or quotidian highlights of a season not known for its footballing successes. And so, working backwards from Brentford to Spurs, I note here the events of many a good day out, frequently spoiled and infrequently improved by the football.

Brentford 2-0 Sheffield United [13 April 2024]

LONDON. The sun was out, and as fans gathered on the beer-gardened banks of the Thames any footballing conversation was little but a comma next to the gigantic question mark of: hooow much for a pint?

It was expensive mind you. For the record, £8.30 for a pint of Tiny Rebel’s Club Tropicana is not the going rate in the London pubs I’m inclined to frequent. But we were in West London, Weren’t We? Amidst the canoes, coxswains and coots. Anyroad, it was emphatically bright and brilliant: mood and weather.

Discussion veered from pint prices to footballing matters. The team sheet came out. Ben Osborn was on it again. Someone described him as a Swiss Army Knife, and I—in a proud moment of boozed alacrity—called him a Swiss Army Knife of fifteen toothpicks.

Credit: Ian Rands

The game itself zipped by as I stood—in safe standing—amongst a casting call of Four Blades in The Pub and Tufty Club Podcasts. Post-game a small group of us made our mark—quite literally in Mark’s case—by being asked to leave not one but two separate London Drinking Establishments. For the record, we were barely out of third gear, and the bouncers, barman and staff seemed to take against the cut of our collective jib. Nevertheless, as I struggled with Sunday’s hangover the shunning felt like a fitting metaphor for our season:

Gentlemen, I am going to ask you kindly to leave…

Luton 1-3 Sheffield United [10 Feb 2024]

LUTON. A perfect trip from South East London, with only a single change at Blackfriars to negotiate. Cans on the trip there. Beers by the station before. A brief “hello” to Phil of BallSup Blogging Notoriety.

Running late, we had to get a taxi. It’s a beguiling sight when you see it. Not the stadium, but the Death Star Wetherspoon in the centre of town. A colossal monument to cheap beer and one we’d return to post-haste, post-match.

The thing was. First half: we had the worst seats in history after arriving late to find all the best (unreserved) spots taken. But we scored. We were surprised. And we luxuriated in an early double-park in the concourse before returning to new seats: Middle Back. Spot on.

What happened next was fantastic. A sole TOP FLIGHT LONDON AWAY WIN. It was a Jack Robinson (ole, ole) day. And as we left Luton in away abandon and the dusk, some fella nabbed this photo (stolen from a mate who stole it from insta). Joyous scenes.

Anyhow, we wound up at the previously-mentioned Wetherspoon where hunger began to bite. And on the short walk from PUB to TRAIN STATION, I spied a robot carving meat. We hadn’t much time to play with, but if one ever encounters a Kebab-prepping Automaton, one simply must purchase their wares. We did. It was good. Lovely return trip.

Crystal Palace 3-2 Sheffield United [30 Jan 2024]