A Study in Sandwiches

Sheffield United is now a club sandwich. We attempt to dissect the discourse.

By John Slingsby, with introduction by David Taylor

If you hadn’t heard, sandwiches are in the news. For lack of a development other than a magnificent run at the Premier League’s ‘goals conceded’ record, Sheffield United are finding a new connection with the humble sandwich, after a throwaway (if admittedly very Partridge) comment by Chris Wilder captured the imaginations of a number of journalists who have limited attention spans and pressure from above to churn out ‘clickworthy’ stories. Wilder concluded his reflections on a series of dubious refereeing decisions by telling the world the assistant referee was eating a sandwich while in a post-match meeting with the United manager, a statement like manna from heaven for Twitter engagement farms.

Wilder was fined £11,500 by the FA for comments earlier in the interview concerning rumours of potential match official bias, but as is the way with news, the story is now that the Football Association fined Chris Wilder for talking about a butty.

Within days, the sandwich had reared it's ugly head again, this time via a Brighton fan comparing Sheffield United to a gravy sandwich. Like the frequency illusion, made famous as the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, the concept of the sandwich has enveloped what it means to be a Blade in early 2024.

In response, below is The Pinch’s scientific approach to the sandwich discourse; serious, sincere research done with an unbiased eye and zealous attention to detail. The Pinch doesn’t cower behind trends – it strides towards the truth. You don’t get nominated for an FSA Award two years running for pandering to fake news, that’s for sure.

Please enjoy Dr* John Slingsby’s findings on the nation’s favourite sandwich, coming to a TED Talk near you.

Why is this happening?

As you may be aware, before Sunday’s game against Brighton, fellow Pinch contributor Roy (@Panchero) published his ‘View From’ article. This gives us an amusing insight into the brains of our upcoming opposition. 

During this particular ‘View From’, a Brighton fan produced a list. A list that compared every team in the Premier League to a particular sandwich. From cheese and piccalilli (Brentford) to a Philly Cheesesteak (Chelsea) the sandwiches were varied, to say the least. The reason that this article (and the survey happened) is because of what this particular Brighton fan compared themselves to, and what they compared us to.

This particular fan said that Brighton were ‘The Cheese And Pickle’ of the Premier League and that United were a mere ‘Gravy Sandwich’. Now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I have no idea what a gravy sandwich is or eben looks like. However, one thing I was sure of was that a cheese and pickle sandwich is not the pinnacle of sandwichdom.

And so began five days of polling. In the end, 39 people gave a response to the question ‘What is the perfect sandwich?’ Over the next few column inches, you will get the chance to peruse the sandwich choices of those 39 people – and draw your own conclusions on what is the perfect sandwich.

The List

First of all, let's see the complete list of sandwiches in its full glory, in alphabetical order.

Bacon
Beef
Cheese and ham (on baguette with butter)
Chicken, mozzarella and pesto
Cheese and onion
Cheese and piccalilli
Chicken and pickle
Cheese and salad
Chocolate
Chicken mayonnaise (vegan)
Chicken and stuffing
Chicken tikka (with salad, Subway style)
Cheese and tomato
Chip butty
Crisps: cheese and onion (Walkers/Seabrook)
Crisps: ready salted
Egg mayonnaise (with onion and salad)
Gravy
Meatball (with cheese, Subway style)
Prawn mayonnaise
Prawn salad
Roast pork
Salt beef (with mustard and pickled cucumber)
Toastie: cheese
Toastie: cheese (with mincemeat curry)
Toastie: cheese, ham and mushroom
Tuna
Tuna mayonnaise
Sausage
Sausage and hash brown (with red sauce, no butter)

The Numbers

Now you’ve seen the list, it’s time to crunch the numbers. The next graphs will show the frequency of the sandwiches given when polled.

The top three

After all the polling, our top three sandwiches are…

• Chip butty

• Sausage sandwich

• Cheese and pickle, cheese and onion, cheese and tomato (three-way tie)

The base of the sandwich

Congratulations to the chip butty, which wins the overall vote. However, when we look at the base of a sandwich, there was one clear winner on that side of the poll.

Also included with one vote:

• Pork

• Egg 

• Chocolate

• Ham

Conclusion

In conclusion, we have found that, despite cheese and pickle scoring very highly on our poll, the perfect sandwich is, indeed, the chip butty. Unsurprisingly, we also found that a large percentage of people polled enjoy cheese as a base to a sandwich.

So, what have we learned? That I have far too much time on my hands.

*Not a doctor